I never liked rollercoasters yet I went on them many times and each time I tried to like them. Maybe it was for the adventure or maybe to show myself they really were as fun as people I knew had said. Maybe it was peer pressure or just plain stupidity on my part for choosing to go on a ride that I had never had a good experience on. Some people felt a rush, I only felt ebbing and flowing terror the whole time.
I’d get on them and once they started to move I’d wish I never got on. Then, up the first hill, not so bad. “I can maybe deal with this.” The car reaches the top, only for a second, but enough to know for sure that it’s going downhill quickly and there was no getting off the ride. I remember screaming all the way down and telling myself at the bottom that it was going to be ok. Just breathe and relax. Another slow uphill, the car chugging along and then whoosh down again each time trying to convince myself the ride was going to stop, all would be well and I could get off.
That’s what this journey has been like. This is one journey we don’t want to be on but we don’t have. a choice. When I think of a journey I think of adventure, spontaneity, growth and fun but this journey isn’t any of that. It’s been a wild ride. Too wild. One day things look pretty bleak and the next we are breathing and starting to relax a bit. Up and down constantly. Much like I felt on those rollercoasters years ago.
Right now, I’m thankful that we are on the uphill portion of the roller coaster. As it chugs along uphill I am reminded of the words to The Little Engine That Could. “I think I can, think I can” and I say something similar to myself “it’ll all be ok, it’ll all be ok.”
When on the rollercoaster one knows that there is always another quick downhill before it levels off. That’s how things have been so far but this time it’s going to level off. I’m not expecting any more downhills. Rich has dealt with enough so this coaster is being reengineered to stop at the top so we can get off and get on a ride that we want to be on.
On the rickety old wooden rollercoasters, every bump was felt and I was sure something was wrong and the track was going to break. That never happened. Just a bump and we kept moving. Rich has scans next month so I expect to feel a little bump where I wonder if something is wrong with the track but that’s just how scanxiety is and it will be ok. This coaster has to just keep going up and up. No more ups and downs. When it finally levels off we will get off, able to experience all the beautiful views from the top, and set off on a journey of our choice together.