Rich had his CT and MRI today and as I was waiting I was having all sorts of emotions and thoughts. The last time I felt like this was when he was diagnosed. The idea of having him have a scan and then not getting the results was so difficult. Today, I was in that place again. Time moved so slowly back then and I fear that is what it may be like this week.
This is Rich’s second CT scan since he started treatment. We didn’t have to wait for the results after 3 months because he was in the hospital when they were due. They decided to do them there and the doctor talked with Rich and I that day. The MRI’s have always been done the same day the doctor gives the results. This time we have to wait 6 days which right now feels like a lifetime away.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to explain what I feel so I could write it in a way that makes sense. My mind is racing so I’m just going to write and see how it all comes out.
On one hand, my logical self says not to worry. I have no reason to believe these scans will not be good and I shouldn’t be anxious about the wait because the only difference between before the scans and after is that there is an actual physical record of what is going on in Rich’s body. On the other hand, my non-logical, emotional self feels like I’m in a time warp. In limbo. A gap so to speak. On one side of the gap there is the not knowing and on the other side there is the knowledge that the known does exist and access to that knowledge is close but not close enough. In between the two is where I feel I’m at right now. In the gaping hole of the unknown and I’m not sure that I will be able to relax until we know.
When Rich was diagnosed it was better to know than to not know but the wait was so difficult. The not knowing was terrible. I kept wondering if it was crueler to make people wait and give them good news or make them wait to hear bad news. I came to the conclusion that waiting is waiting and it is the unknown that is the most difficult to deal with. (Though after the wait it’s obviously better if you get good news). Once the wait was over and Rich was diagnosed stage IV, even though we were afraid, it was still easier than it was during the gap. I’m sure on Thursday when we get the results of these scans I’ll feel much more relaxed than I am feeling tonight.
Until that time, I will try to keep my non-logical emotional self at bay or my anxiety will only get worse and that will make it harder for me to be there for Rich. My logical self knows that, although the wait is tough, I have a lot to be grateful for and that no matter what happens along this journey and no matter how many unknowns there are along the way Rich and I will be traveling together all the way.